lacking lustre in every inch

lis & i walked to mcdonalds just now.

she wasof few words

so she forced me to talk. i didnt expect

to struggle, but i did.

minutes of stuttering words that were never voiced,

felt like decades to me.

i couldnt talk about anything at all. 

is it me? or is it lis?

why am i not able to talk?

i'm used to this. to being silent. to not talk. not say what i think.

does it make me boring? lis asked "dont you want to be remembered?

u have to talk." 

& yeah, thats what i have been complaining about.

i am never remembered.

then lis said that i wasnt ready yet.

that im still not mature yet.

i find it upsetting

there's no ground to compare ourselves with

but i know she's right.

i havent grown up at all.

i've always been that little girl,

sheltered by everyone

sheltered by my mind & thoughts

sheltered by the very perception of others

i have to change. i tell myself everyday.

&  i have to keep telling myself  every day

"grow up, little girl".

+_+